Thursday, January 12, 2017

Social Media

When I started my weight loss journey, I decided that I was going to share it on all of my social media accounts. I figured that if I started sharing it with everyone, it would keep me accountable and help keep me motivated. 

I have been asked many times why I have never made a weight loss specific instagram or twitter or facebook. The reason I have kept all of my social media accounts as my personal and my weight loss is because this is my life. You really can't have one without out the other. Me going to tailgate at a vikings game and trying to stay on track with my eating while having shots of fireball are all part of my personal and my weight loss life. I am not on a temp diet, I am changing my lifestyle. 

The second reason I have never made my accounts separate is the feedback and support I have gotten from my friends, my family and that person from high school who I have not seen since 1999 that I have reconnected with because I am sharing my life. My journey has brought so many people into my life and reconnected me with people I never in a million years thought it would have. 

I've been asked more than once if I was ever embarrassed sharing how much I weigh or what I ate or what size I wore or how much I gained back. I don't think embarrassed  is the way I would describe how I feel or felt. Sure, posting on my facebook that I weighed almost 300 lbs or that I was wearing a size 26 jeans was not the most comfortable thing to do but it was/is part of my story. And lets face facts here, I posted just as many pictures back then as I do know so people were aware I was not rocking a size 10.

When I decided to share my journey, I decided to share my life. The good, the bad and the fat. 

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Back again... I've used this title before....

Losing weight and being healthy will be a life long thing for me. Since 2011, I have lost and gained the same 50-80 lbs. Every time I lose it, I swear I will not gain it back....and yet here I am.

In the last year and a half, my life has completely changed.
 It's changed for the good.
It's changed for the bad. 

Let's get the bad out of the way.... I lost my mom, I lost my papa. It is such a hard thing for anyone to grasp unless they have been through it themselves, but being in your 30's and have no parents left is a very hard thing to deal with. It is a scary thing. I swear to God, you have no idea how much you need or rely on your parents until they are gone. 

SO many of your relationships change when you lose people close to you. When the death(s) happens, you can't get people to leave you alone. My phone never stopped ringing, people never stopped bringing over food or taking me out to eat, the cards filled my mailbox daily and I couldn't find a second alone. 

Fast forward to a few months after the death(s) happens, my phone stopped ringing, people stopped checking on me, the food stopped being dropped off, my mail box was empty and that second alone I desperately wanted I got everyday for seconds on end. I feel like some people just stopped knowing what to say to me or stopping know how to act around me. Other people just thought things should go back to normal...


People went on with their own lives and I was left to figure mine out. And when people you thought would be there your whole life just disappear or only come around a few times a year, the struggle can be oh so real. 

Here I am, almost a year and a half later and I'm still trying to figure it. I am still trying to figure out what my normal is. 

Now for the good!

I have the best man in my life. He has a son and he has become such a good part of my life too. My boyfriend has been the biggest blessing in my life. We met shortly before I lost my mom and papa. He saw me at my worst...twice.. we had plenty of struggles and issues but he is still here. I truly have no idea how I would have been over the past year if he was not in my life. What a gift he is. Love him. 

My friends! Man, when crisis hits you really do find out who your real friends are. Not the people that pop up when its in the moment, but the people who have been there and are still there. Reconnecting with old friends over the past year has been awesome. Old memories become new again and it's a good feeling knowing you have great people in your corner. 

And that bring me to now.... 
after a year plus of struggling and piecing my normal together, I am ready to get my health back on track. I am so sick of feeling fat and feeling so sluggish. I will never be a size 2 but I am ready to be healthy and happy. 

One of my 2017 goals is to have my blog up and running again. I love doing this and it helps me so much during my journey. I look forward to sharing my strengths and my struggles with you. 

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Friday, April 15, 2016

He knows how much I really weigh

He knows how much I weigh. 
I know how much he weighs. 
He knows what size pants I wear. 
I know what size pants he wears. 
He knows what size shirts I wear. 
I know what size shirts he wears. 
He's seen my body imperfections. 
I've seen his imperfections 
He's seen my fattest picture (that survived. ) 
I've seen his worst picture. 
He's seen my fat pants.
I've see his fat pants (and tried them on) 
He's seen it all. 
I've seen it all. 

Never in my life did I think I would meet a man who would know all of the above. Every woman out there knows that telling your man how much you weigh can be the scariest thing....ever. We've all done it, we've all gave a "rough estimate" or deducted 10 (sometimes 20) pounds from the actual number. 

Since I have always been bigger (there really is no nice way to say that), I have never asked any man I was with how much they weighed for the fear that then he would ask me. And I had never been ready to cross that bridge with anyone. 

Until now. 

I am with someone now who is going through this journey with me. We both have a decent amount of weight to lose and we both get it. There is no judgement, there is no shaming, there is encouragement and support. He knows exactly what I weigh. He knows what I lose or gain every week and vise Versa. 

And now that it's all out there in the open with him, it's not so scary anymore. It just is. 

I love that he is honest with me. He is my go to shopping partner because he will tell me if it looks good or not. He's constantly challenging me to try in smaller/more fitting clothing. And let's face facts, when you are fat, if a shirt "hugs your body" it's too small. My days of wearing hoodies all fall/winter are numbered. 

When you have that openness with your partner through this journey, it is amazing. When someone else gets it and they understand it, it's easier to listen and accept their support. I know that if he's trying on clothes and I tell him "no it doesn't look good" he knows I'm not offending him or trying to hurt him, I'm being supportive and honest. 

I love that I have my girls to support me who are also going through the same journey. But I am blessed beyond anything to have my babe going through this with me. 

***side note, the pic of Mike is from Christmas/now. He's down 50.0lbs and he's gaining so much confidence 

Monday, April 4, 2016

I miss the smell of her cigarettes


I have tried for months to write about my mom. I never get past the first few lines. But I keep trying, because I know I have a lot of emotions and things I want to say. 

I miss her. Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier with time but I honestly think it's getting harder with time. Part of me feels like she is in treatment for a few months and she lost her phone privileges. Growing up a child of an addict, that actually happens. It has happened more than once in my lifetime. 

But with each passing day reality sets in that she is not in treatment, she did not lose her phone privileges and she really is gone.  

She's gone. 

I talk to her all the time. While I'm at home, when I'm driving, sometimes even when I'm walking through target. I feel like she hears me, but I would give anything for her to answer back. I listen to her voicemails all the time. Just to hear her voice, her take a drag of her cigarette and just to feel like she's replying to a message I just left her. 

I miss her smell the most. And anyone who truly knows me KNOWS I am the worst ex smoker on the planet and the smell of smoke is disgusting. BUT I miss the smell of her cigarettes. 

I miss so many things. I miss her calling to tell me to DVR some show on my DVR cause she couldn't figure hers out. I miss her talking baby talk to my cat aka her grand cats. I miss her guacamole. I miss her laugh. I miss playing cards with her. I miss cooking with her. I miss talking to her the most. 

I miss having a mom.

 She was the only parent I had and it's a shitty feeling when you realize you have no parents left. I don't care how old you are, you always want your mom. Every time I am sick or I had a fright with a friend or I found a new thing at target, I want to call her and tell her. 

Last summer I told her I met Mike. I didn't know him really well at the time so I didn't tell her much. I do remember telling her about his New Yorker accent and she told me "you would do well with a New Yorker." She never saw a picture of him and she never got to meet him. That will break my heart forever. 

Sometimes I play how I think them meeting would go in my head. I know she would have loved him. I know she would have asked him the most inappropriate questions and showed him the worst pictures of me in existence. I know she would have told him how desperately she wanted grandkids at to early and scared the crap out of him. I just know they would have hit it off. 

I still have a hard time driving by her apartment. I can't go into her old work. I struggle listening to some of her favorite songs. And I still can't throw away this ugly rug she gave me, it's still in my room. 

Will this ever get easier, I don't know. All I know is that I struggle every single day. I miss her. 

I miss having a mom. 

That's all I can say right now. 

Sunday, June 21, 2015


Happy Fathers Day Papa! 

I hope he remembers talking to me today. I miss him more than ever today. I hate that he can't remember things. 

I would give anything to have one more day with him at full memory. To hear his "little Leon" stories, have him make one of his famous Bud burgers, play a game of cribbage, drive around doing an inspection, having him drive with his knees, smelling his cigar or having 
him say "you know what you otta 
do is..." I would give anything for 

He was in a good mood today. He told me a couple stories that made no sense but I listened anyway. His eyes just look so empty. He still has that smile! He still loves his peanut M&M's, his chocolate malts and black licorice. 

 I miss him. 

Father's Day is never a good day for me. My dad was never around and is now passed away. I used to refer to this day as "shit day" and my papa started to call it that. Just because he knew it made me laugh. I would always get him a dad card and cross out the word dad and out papa. But let's face facts, he's the only dad I've ever had. 

I know he knows how much I adore him. He taught me so much, even if I didn't always listen. I would be lost in life without him and I have never loved anyone more. 

I just miss my Papa. 

Saturday, May 9, 2015

I never stopped

I have told my mom I want nothing to do with her. 

I have told myself 1000 times that I would stop caring. 

I have told my mom I didn't like her. 

I have told myself 1000 times just to move on. 

I have told my mom I love her. 

No matter what I've told myself 1000 times, I never stopped loving her. 

With Mother's Day approaching I found myself thinking about my relationship with my mother. We have had a very up and down relationship throughout the years. 

My mom struggles with alcohol and drug addiction my entire life. She was in and out of treatment. Sober for a few months here and there. She was homeless. We didn't talk for weeks or sometimes even months. 

My frustration with her grew as the years of her drug and alcohol addiction worsened. I would tell myself "I am never speaking to her again!" And there were times where o didn't. But more times than not, I would answer the phone. I would go and see her. 

For years I wanted that mother-daughter relationship. I wanted to go back to having fun with my mom. Talking in southern accents, watching football games, making cookies and having fun times with her. My mom is so funny. I just wanted my mom back. 

I wanted to stop worrying about her. The not knowing what was happening with her was a blessing and a curse. The late night phones calls were always the worst. I hated worrying about her. Hated it. 

My mom will be sober for three years this coming August. I speak to her every single day, most days multiple times. We have fun together again. We talk in southern accents again. We laugh. We talk. And she's back to her funny self. 

I am so thankful that I never truly gave up on her. Because I would be lost without her. 

Happy Mothers Day Mom! 

Friday, April 10, 2015

My Weigh in day

I weigh in on Friday. Always on Friday. Friday Morning to be exact. 

This is something that has not changed since I started my weight loss journey. I have a set routine for eating onThursdays (usually) and Friday just works for me. 

It gives me flexibility to have a cheat meal over the weekend. I am also a huge sports fan and I love to tailgate. Weighing in on Friday lets me be able to enjoy my Sunday tailgates. 

And yes, every Thursday mid afternoon/evening I stress out about my upcoming weigh in. 

It will always be Friday. 

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