Saturday, May 9, 2015

I never stopped

I have told my mom I want nothing to do with her. 

I have told myself 1000 times that I would stop caring. 

I have told my mom I didn't like her. 

I have told myself 1000 times just to move on. 

I have told my mom I love her. 

No matter what I've told myself 1000 times, I never stopped loving her. 

With Mother's Day approaching I found myself thinking about my relationship with my mother. We have had a very up and down relationship throughout the years. 

My mom struggles with alcohol and drug addiction my entire life. She was in and out of treatment. Sober for a few months here and there. She was homeless. We didn't talk for weeks or sometimes even months. 

My frustration with her grew as the years of her drug and alcohol addiction worsened. I would tell myself "I am never speaking to her again!" And there were times where o didn't. But more times than not, I would answer the phone. I would go and see her. 

For years I wanted that mother-daughter relationship. I wanted to go back to having fun with my mom. Talking in southern accents, watching football games, making cookies and having fun times with her. My mom is so funny. I just wanted my mom back. 

I wanted to stop worrying about her. The not knowing what was happening with her was a blessing and a curse. The late night phones calls were always the worst. I hated worrying about her. Hated it. 

My mom will be sober for three years this coming August. I speak to her every single day, most days multiple times. We have fun together again. We talk in southern accents again. We laugh. We talk. And she's back to her funny self. 

I am so thankful that I never truly gave up on her. Because I would be lost without her. 

Happy Mothers Day Mom!